“You have died of exposure.” – Depressed Ramblings

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Sorry I haven’t updated my blog for a while. It seems that depression has killed my motivation and creativity. I haven’t been working on any new stories or on my second novel for months. I rarely make sketches in my art books. I keep telling myself I should do something, but the more I tell myself that, the less I feel like doing it. It looks like art and writing will get me nowhere. What I do, according to my parents, isn’t a “real job.” It’s not making money, it’s not “hard labor” or business, so I guess it’s useless. The only thing considered to have value in this society is money. Not art or writing or love or friendship or honesty or integrity or compassion. No. Money is all anyone cares about. Money is the only thing that will get you anywhere in life. Without it, you can’t escape your circumstances; you can’t achieve your dreams. And I know you’re probably thinking, “That’s just depression talking,” but every day I have to wonder which is more insane: me or this world I’m living in? And every day I ask myself the same question, “Why do I still force myself to go on living, even when it seems that life is nothing more than constant mental and physical pain and torture?”

Here’s some personal stuff to give you some context as to what’s going on in my life. Right now I’m on antibiotics (4 times a day for 10 days) for an infected insect or spider bite in my ear. That’s always fun, especially when you have IBS like me and the antibiotics kill off the few friendly gut microbiota one still has left after all those other times one has had to take antibiotics. Every time I go to the dentist, I have to take antibiotics before my appointment to prevent bacteria from infecting my heart because of my heart condition. And speaking of that, I’ve also recently had to have a bunch of dental work done. One of the fillings I had done a few months ago is painfully sensitive and hurts like hell whenever I drink cold liquid, even if it’s room temperature. I’ll probably have to have that redone sometime, but my anxiety goes through the roof whenever I go to the dentist so I’m not looking forward to scheduling that appointment any time soon.

Then there’s the issue of my partner and I still having to live thousands of miles apart from each other at our parents’ houses (even though we’ve been dating for 5 years now) because neither of us have the money to move into a place of our own. My partner has spent 5 months looking for a job and is about to run out of unemployment money (which ends after 6 months). He has been sending out hundreds upon hundreds of resumes and applications and has gotten only a handful of interviews. Everyone who has interviewed him keeps saying they are “highly impressed” by him and that he’s one of their top candidates . . . and then they tell him later that they’ve hired someone else. That’s the reality of our shitty economy.

Now you can see why I haven’t been writing anything lately. No one wants to hear this. Blah, blah, blah. Life sucks. Same old crap. I’ll let you know if anything changes for the better. In the meantime, I will periodically be attempting to give away my short stories for Kindle out for free, for the sake of EXPOSURE! . . . just like in this meme I found:

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Kitsune (Fox) Mask

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I got myself a Japanese fox (kitsune) mask and tried it on. It’s really quite striking! “Kon! Kon!” (That’s what the fox says . . . at least in Japanese.)

Relevant to a certain scene I’ve got set up for Mindfield (the sequel to Transmogrified), I’m thinking of putting something like this on the cover whenever I get around to completing the book. Eeheehee!

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Transmogrified – 1 Year Later

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This month marks the one-year anniversary of the publication of my first science fiction novel Transmogrified. While many people have expressed an interest in purchasing and reading the book, very few have actually done so. I’m starting to wonder what I’m doing wrong or maybe people just don’t read books anymore (Unless it’s porn? I have found myself wondering a lot lately — reminded of the successes of Fifty Shades of Grey and Twilight. Sorry, I had to say it!). Then again, all of the reviews I have gotten have been positive, so it seems I’m just not reaching a wide enough audience.

Anyway, I hope people still read books and readers interested in science fiction still exist in this reality. Please, give my book a try and write a review of it on Amazon and/or Goodreads. I will be very, very, very, ETERNALLY grateful for your readership and good reviews! Grab yourself a copy and expand your mind, imagination, and universe!

Transmogrified ebook for Kindle.

Transmogrified in paperback.

Picture of main characters in silhouette (below).

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Animal Sketches #1

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For the past few weeks, I’ve been meticulously studying animals and how to draw them. I started off doing many pencil drawings (not pictured in this post), but here are my most recent animal sketches from a very small sketchbook. I drew them all with a ballpoint pen without penciling them in first or erasing (something I didn’t even know I was capable of doing until just a few days ago). The cheetah scanned a bit blurry in one spot because the drawing spans two pages and I could not press the pages perfectly flat.

Below, you will see a wolf running in the snow, a happy fox looking up at you, a cheetah lying on a grassy mound, a cat’s head in profile, and a Borzoi dog resting its head on a cushion.

 

 

My Animal Drawings Project – Child and Adult Artwork

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So, I found some old drawings I had made during the 1990s when I was a child. Only one had a date on it (the gorilla from 1997 — in which I would have been age 13 or 14), but I recognize from the poses and textures that all of the drawings come from a “how-to-draw” animals book I got as a kid. I’m guessing the more primitive-looking drawings are from an earlier date, such as 1995, so I assume I drew them all around the same year (in which I would have been 12 years old). This year (2017), I redrew some of the animals, and you can see the comparisons below . . .

CHILD                                              ADULT

 

 

Christmas Guinea Pigs!

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I took some cute Christmas pig-tures of my guinea pigs Clover and Jazzy. Enjoy the adorableness of “peegs” with bows on their heads.

Here’s CLOVER topped with a red bow; one picture taken from each side. She has black fur on one side of her face, while the other side has only red fur. Clover has a a calm and gentle demeanor, and allowed me to take these photos with surprising ease.

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And here’s JAZZY, sporting a green bow in a couple of slightly different poses. I had to take these pictures quickly before she knew what’s up. She’s a hyper piggy! As soon as she realized I had put a bow on her head, she shook it off and wouldn’t let me put it back on again (and that was the end of that!).

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Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

In the Sandbox (A Poem)

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Here is a poem I wrote back in my university poetry class.

 

In the Sandbox

As children, life was wild and unrestrained.

We struggled every day against the beasts

That lurked in wait to leap upon us misfits.

We often wished of having greater might,

Or dreamed of other worlds where we’d be safe.

Together, we would gather for protection.

Those bullies must have felt some kind of hate

Or jealousy to look upon us there,

And without reason, attacked us harshly.

Now when some children grow to be adults

They have the jungle still inside of them.

Their hearts are dark, devising clever ways

To justify their violent tendencies;

Coating them with lovely rhetoric

And sophisticated modern weaponry.

Are we not still like children, flinging sand?

The stakes are higher on this playground.

While we shoot and drop missiles, glorifying war,

The sandbox slowly buries our bloodied victims.